I dread to think how this fella explained why he wasn’t coming in work to his boss, as getting food poisoning in your penis sounds like a story straight out of the fake sickie bible.

But unfortunately for this 38-year-old, his diagnosis was no joke.

In what is believed to be the first ever case of it’s kind in the world, his tackle became toxic shortly after he shared an intimate moment with his wife…and the saga also strangely involved some unrefrigerated rice.

After being plagued by a series of painful symptoms in his downstairs region for the best part of a week, the bloke decided to seek some medical attention.

He sought the advice of urologists after redness, swelling and scabbing on his penis continued to persist after several days – and medics were even more alarmed when he revealed this had all began after he suffered a bout of severe diarrhoea and vomiting.

Doctors at the American University of Beirut Medical Center in Lebanon then decided to take a swab of the patient’s pecker to test for infection – but it’s safe to say none of them were expecting the results which came back from the lab.

The dad-of-two bizarrely contracted food poisoning… on his penis (Getty Stock Image)

Bizarrely, further investigation detected the presence of a bacteria, known as bacillus cereus, on his manhood.

This is a food-borne pathogen which is typically found in rice, cereals, spices, milk and cream which has been left out at room temperature for too long.

According to the NHS, bacillus cereus ‘produces spores that survive heat processing’ and ‘grows rapidly at room temperature producing toxins’, resulting in sickness, diarrhoea, gastrointestinal pain and nausea.

After stewing over the flummoxing food poisoning case, doctors ruled that the man must have contracted the bacterial infection on his penis following the episode of diarrhoea and vomiting – which came almost immediately after he had finished having ‘vigorous sex‘ with his wife.

During intercourse, viruses and bacteria can travel more easily between bodies through breaks in the skin – and let’s not forget there’s a ton of bodily fluids flying about.

According to the Daily Mail, medics concluded that the bacillus cereus had somehow come into direct contact with his private region.

They reckoned it was ‘unusual’ to merely see bacillus cereus in the skin for once – so imagine their shock when it managed to penetrate this guy’s penis.

Doctors believe the combination of the rice he had ate and the ‘vigorous sex’ he had with his life were a perfect storm for bacillus cereus (Getty Stock Image)

However, it seems a meal containing rice which he had eaten just a day before his symptoms started was to blame.

According to the study, which was published in the journal Annals of Medicine and Surgery, this was the ‘first case in literature’ of a patient suffering food poisoning in the penis.

The father-of-two was given a topical antibiotic called fusidic acid – which is usually used to treat eye infections – while medics also urged him to wash the area ‘properly’ as well as avoiding sex and masturbation until it healed.

Four weeks after the man received his unusual diagnosis, he reported that he was no longer experiencing any burning or discomfort – and luckily, the infection did not return.

Boffins authoring the study in the journal Annals of Medicine and Surgery explained that penile infections typically rear their head after the patient suffers an injury which creates an open wound.

Nine times out of ten, it’s got something to do with the bacteria group, A streptococcus.

The medics added: “In this current case, it is plausible that the diarrhoea and vomitus which contaminated the penis post intercourse is likely the source of the skin infection.”

Jeffrey Dahmer’s dad had a theory on what was to blame for his son becoming a serial killer.

Lionel Dahmer – who died last year at the age of 87 – spoke about his son’s heinous crimes and what he thought could have led to him becoming one of the world’s most notorious killers.

Dahmer’s story was documented in the Netflix drama, Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story, in which Lionel was played by Richard Jenkins.

The series followed Dahmer from a young age, showing how he grew into the violent murderer he did.

He killed 17 men and boys during a murder spree that lasted from 1978 until his arrest in 1991.

He dismembered his victims – with one of them being only 14-years-old – and also committed necrophilia, cannibalism, and kept trophies of his victims.

In the series, Lionel (Richard Jenkins) offers an explanation as to why Dahmer went on to commit such horrific crimes.

He suggested there could have been a link between the medication his wife, Joyce, took before Dahmer was born and his crimes – though none of this has ever been confirmed.

Lionel says: “You do know that pills are what started this whole thing.

Netflix

“How many pills you think she was on when she was pregnant with him? Thousands. She was on sleeping pills, sedatives, seizure medication.”

He added: “She never even held him. She scared the s**t out of him. And then she just left. She got in her car, and she drove away, and she left that kid in that house all summer.”

Lionel also made these allegations in real life too, during an interview with CBS’ Inside Edition.

“My ex-wife had been taking about 26 tablets of different medications about one month after becoming pregnant,” he said.

In a TV special called Dahmer on Dahmer, he and his second wife, Shari, also spoke openly about Joyce’s abilities as a mother.

They claimed she wasn’t very tactile and would rarely touch or hold him.

Curt Borgwardt/Sygma/Sygma via Getty Images

“When Jeff was born, the grandparents were not allowed to hold the baby,” Shari said.

“Joyce didn’t want anyone touching the baby, or breathing on it. She was afraid of germs.”

In his 1994 book A Father’s Story, Lionel not only spoke about the prescription drugs Joyce was taking, he also pondered whether or not his son’s shyness could have been a red flag at the time.

According to reports, he blamed himself for not giving enough to Jeffrey emotionally.

He wrote in the book: “As a scientist, I wonder if the potential for great evil resides deep in the blood that some of us may pass on to our children at birth.”

Lionel died in December 2023.

You’ve met the bloke who claims to have Britain’s biggest penis, now let me introduce you to his comrade in arms… the man with the largest ding-a-ling on the planet.

There is only 1.5 inches between Matt Barr and Jonah Falcon, but it’s the latter who tops the leaderboard of internationally well-endowed men.

You can think of Falcon as the Brit’s bigger, bolder and American older brother in the world of unusually lengthy penises.

Take a look at this:

The 53-year-old claims to have an appendage which can easily outdo any other fella’s, as it stands to attention at a whopping 13.5 inches when erect.

He says that this allowed him to master the art of autofellatio as a teenager, but he can no longer partake in this hobby due to his crippling ‘upper back pain‘.

God works in mysterious ways, eh?

Anyway, Falcon has been basking in the worldwide fame his huge k**b has brought him for the last 25 years, as his appearance in the 1999 HBO documentary Private Dicks: Men Exposed thrust him into the spotlight.

This was followed up by an interview on the The Howard Stern Show, as well as the Channel 4 programme The World’s Biggest Penis a few years later.

Falcon made some pretty audacious claims on these shows – including that he is able to completely envelop a doorknob with his foreskin… which is information that I’m sure we all could have happily gone on without knowing.

Jonah Falcon claims to have the world’s biggest penis. (ITV)

Although his massive penis grants him the ability to perform some weird party tricks, Falcon admits that there are also plenty of drawbacks to having an extra long third leg.

But let’s start with the good stuff first.

During a previous interview with Men’s Health, Falcon explained that he enjoys not having to worry about being at the opposite end of the spectrum and having a todger that is too small, which is a fear a lot of men have.

He said: “I don’t have that insecurity, and I think I have a more open mind because I’m not constantly trying to prove myself.

“I don’t need a fancy car, I don’t need a gun, I happily wear a mask, and so on, because I don’t have to prove my masculinity to anyone else. I’ll wear all pink, dammit!”

His willy is 13.5 inches when erect. (Instagram/@jonahfalcon1970)

But despite the fact he doesn’t need a Lamborghini or a deadly weapon to make him feel good about himself, Falcon does need special ‘incognito’ pants and a lot of patience.

He said that the worst part of having a massive manhood and the entire world knowing about it is the ‘preconceptions’ people now have about him.

Falcon continued: “For some reason, having 13-plus inches means I’m a bad person, or I’m egotistic, or I’m a porn star, or I’m dumb, or I’m a slut. Also, I’m sick and tired of having people wanting me to measure it in front of them.

“I’ve done it 10,000 times – enough already!”

On top of that, the Yank doesn’t exactly enjoy being so tight for room in his trousers and explained it was one of the most challenging aspects to having massive genitalia that people wouldn’t necessarily think of.

He revealed he sometimes wears ‘incognito’ pants which help disguise his huge penis. (Instagram/@jonahfalcon1970)

He said: “My balls are proportionate in size, so I wrap my c**k off to the left so I don’t have all that squeezing.

“I have my ‘incognito’ pants that are baggy, and I put my wallet in the left pocket [to hide my penis from being visible through my pants].”

Oh, what a life.

Signing off with some advice for men who would kill to be in his shoes, Falcon said: “A hot bod and a winning personality will attract far more than a large c**k if you’re looking for sex.

“No one cares if you have a small c**k except yourself. Don’t bring it up, and if they make comments, just show how experienced you are at using your mouth.”